End of the year thinking...

The end of each year causes me to think back on the year and what I have accomplished and what I have failed at. I try to look mostly at the happy times, but I do seem to focus alot on the sadness and regrets.
I regret that my family is not any closer than it was last year at this time. About four years ago a change started happening in my family. It was like a snowball rolling downhill. I was not in control of this change and no matter how hard I tried to understand it and stop it I couldn't. My family was coming apart. For months my husband and I went to bed each night crying and went through each day in blur. After a while we were able to smile and then after much time we were able to laugh again. Then with no warning at all a wind would blow and and someone would rub salt in our wounds.
All I ever wanted for 26 years was a happy loving family. I didn't grow up in one so I was determined to work hard at having one when my husband and I married. Until 4 years ago I really though we had succeeded. We had what I would have told anyone was the closest, happiest family. So close that when things started falling apart around my ears I didn't (and still don't)understand what was happening. I even went to my Doctor and told him I thought I was losing my mind. He assured me I wasn't and told me I might just need to talk to someone.
My dearest friend who has loved me since we met over 25 years ago listened to me and cried with me and then she told me the truth. She told me that I only saw what I wanted to see. She told me I had been blind to some things. I didn't believe her and actually I was a bit mad at her for telling me such hurtful things. I felt betrayed by the one I trusted most besides my husband. After I cried and threw a several day long fit she called me again and told me she loved me and asked how I was.
I was so confused. I couldn't believe I was so wrong. I was so sad that my family was hurting like it was and felt like I could have fixed it if I had only paid more attention.
Now that it has been this long, I still feel sad, and I still hurt for what was lost, but I also know that I could not have done anything to stop it. People make choices in life. They have to make choices for their own life and all you can do is love them and pray they make good ones. If they don't make good choices you love them anyway and still pray for them.
I asked a counselor once if I was ever going stop hurting and if I would ever get over this. I was told this was alot like mourning a death. I would survive and I would eventually make it though the day without thinking about it. I hope he was right.

Things I am thankful for this year...(boy aren't you glad after the previous stuff)

1.My husband got a promotion
2.I have a friend who loves me
3.Made some new friends
4.Husband and I celebrated 26 years of marriage and we are still in love
5.Home cooking
6.My grown children have jobs and can pay their bills
7.I get to be an aunt again
8.My MIL loves me like I was her own
9.I have a SIL who is my quilting twin
10.Synthroid and Lexapro!!!

Diane